Category: Comedy


  • A Sad Night at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru

    A Sad Night at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru

    As many of you know, one of the goals I have in 2019 is to perform comedy at an open mic night. To that end I’ve started writing more comedy, a little bit every day.

    I’m also going to start publishing videos regularly so that I can get comfortable with talking to the camera, and just the presentation piece in general. I find that I’m actually able to improve my writing by weaving in some of the stuff I say off the cuff when I’m recording my videos. Bonus!

    So here’s a new video. It’s all about the sad reality of the Taco Bell Drive-Thru at 1:00am. Below the video I’ve included the writing that I used as the springboard for the video. It’s not an exact transcript of the video, but it was certainly the inspiration.

    https://youtu.be/qPtKZgFlnao
    “I really think I’m sad, Darian”

    A Sad Night at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru

    Do you know what the first they ask you is… even before they ask you what you want to order?

    If you don’t know I can catch you up. Let’s just say… I’m familiar with this particular scenario.

    It’s 1:00am. I just finished watching 14 episodes of Scrubs because you never know when they’re going to take it off of Netflix. I roll down my window and then through the speaker I hear

    “How are you tonight?”

    Which, on the surface I suppose is an innocent enough question, but if I’ve left the house in my pajamas on a weeknight and and I end up at a Taco Bell at 1:00am, I’ve probably seen better days.

    Normally you’d just throw down a quick “I’m good.” or “Doin’ great!”

    But at 1:00 A-M- your brain does weird things. A question that you would blow off as a social courtesy at 1:00 P-M, when the rest of civilization is sitting in their car waiting for a Chalupa Supreme, becomes much more serious at 1:00 A-M-.

    So I hear the question: “How are you tonight?”

    Start Sad Ryan

    I… I think I’m sad, Darian. I mean… I hadn’t really thought about it much before now… but I’m about to order 1800 calories worth of Grade D Seasoned ground beef and shame.

    And then I’m going to take that disgusting bag of actual dog food and eat it alone in my car while I listen to the saxophone solo from Careless Whisper on repeat.

    I’ll probably wear leather gloves while I eat my Mexican Pizza so I don’t leave prints.

    And then I’m going to sling my fourthmeal remnants into the church dumpster near my house like I’m disposing a murder weapon so that my family doesn’t know about the scandal I’ve just participated in.

    So yeah, Darian, I’d say I’m not doing too great.

    “Sorry for the wait. Are you ready to order?”

    Yeah I’ll have a Mexican Pizza, a Crunch Wrap Supreme, 3 soft tacos, Nacho Fries, and a large Mountain Dew. Oh, and give me a few orders of those Cinnamon Twisties. My kids love those. WINK


  • I Neutered My Macbook

    I Neutered My Macbook

    Crunch. Whirrrrr. Crunch. Whirrrr. Crunch. Whirrrrrr.

    I know you’ve all heard gears grind before, right? It’s actually been proven that sound is worse than Lloyd Christmas’ most annoying sound in the world. It’s really truly awful.

    That was the sound I heard as I put down the foot rest on our reclining couch last night. You see, we have one of those couches that has motorized reclining footrests because we’re completely against the idea of exerting any type of physical energy whatsoever when we’re in relaxation mode.

    The motor raises the footrest and it puts them back down as well, and last night, for whatever reason, my footrest got stuck on its way down.

    I was in a really vulnerable position. Seated in the couch and essentially no way to see if anything was under my feet that could be causing some kind of obstruction. I figured there must have been a shoe or a small child in the way but the metal on metal sound made me think it had to be something else. Perhaps the mechanism had lost a bolt and wouldn’t collapse correctly? I had no idea.

    In my turtle-flipped-over-on-its-shell-with-no-visibility state I had my son Brady inspect the area underneath the footrest for me.

    “Do you see anything under there?”, I bellowed.

    “Nope. There’s nothing under there dad.”

    “Are you sure?”

    “Yep, all clear.”

    At that point I either had to force the footrest down to the closed position or live on the coach in a reclined position for the rest of my days. Those were my only two options.

    After an hour or so of contemplating couch life… I made the decision to try and stand because of the whole bathroom (or lack thereof) situation. There isn’t really a great way to run plumbing to a couch, and I’m not about that bedpan life. Not yet anyway!

    I forced the footrest down with the mechanism grinding all the way until it fell into the closed position, and that was that.

    Fast forward to lunch time today and I was looking for my laptop so I could answer a few emails after my midday meal, and I couldn’t find my laptop anywhere. I figured one of my kids must have hauled it off but didn’t think much about it again.

    Later in the evening I looked a few more places for the MacBook and couldn’t find it anywhere. It was the most bizarre thing.

    Then Jackie reminded me that I had hidden the MacBook from Patrick the night before because he was getting upset.

    You see, Patrick can have a bit of a temper when he’s upset and we’ve sacrificed several big screen TVs to the digital gods over the last few years. I didn’t want my laptop to be our next sacrificial lamb to the slaughter.

    He was watching “funny ice cream vine fails” (yes, I’m serious) on YouTube and was getting really tired and was making weird demands that were impossible to meet at 8:00pm. He slammed my laptop lid shut so I quickly tucked it away as to protect it from imminent destruction.

    Suddenly it was one of those movies scenes where everything started to move in slow motion.

    OHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

    I TUCKED THE LAPTOP AWAY IN THE COUCH #@#!*#$@!!$&!!

    THERE’S NO WAY THAT GRINDING NOISE LAST NIGHT WAS MY LAPTOP, WAS IT?!?!

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOO #@#!*#$@!!$&!!

    Sure enough, I reached down into the small gap between the seat cushion and the edge of the couch and pulled out the ghost of my former laptop.

    Shockingly it was powered on and working totally fine, even though its poor aluminum nether regions had been totally separated from the rest of its body. I could see directly into my laptop’s innards. It looked so defeated and betrayed.

    WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!

    Click each image to see the carnage full screen

    The moral of the story as I see it is to always give your kids anything they ask for no matter what and your stuff will never get broken. I think?

    There is a somewhat happy ending to this story. I do have AppleCare+ so while I do need to pay a small replacement fee, I should get a full repair without having to buy a new laptop. Because had that been my only option, I’d probably be using the ShrapnelBook Pro (hahahaha this is a pun) for the foreseeable future.

    Buy AppleCare.

    P.S. Our couch reclines very smoothly now. I’m gonna live there for a while.