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A Sad Night at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru

As many of you know, one of the goals I have in 2019 is to perform comedy at an open mic night. To that end I’ve started writing more comedy, a little bit every day.

I’m also going to start publishing videos regularly so that I can get comfortable with talking to the camera, and just the presentation piece in general. I find that I’m actually able to improve my writing by weaving in some of the stuff I say off the cuff when I’m recording my videos. Bonus!

So here’s a new video. It’s all about the sad reality of the Taco Bell Drive-Thru at 1:00am. Below the video I’ve included the writing that I used as the springboard for the video. It’s not an exact transcript of the video, but it was certainly the inspiration.

“I really think I’m sad, Darian”

A Sad Night at the Taco Bell Drive-Thru

Do you know what the first they ask you is… even before they ask you what you want to order?

If you don’t know I can catch you up. Let’s just say… I’m familiar with this particular scenario.

It’s 1:00am. I just finished watching 14 episodes of Scrubs because you never know when they’re going to take it off of Netflix. I roll down my window and then through the speaker I hear

“How are you tonight?”

Which, on the surface I suppose is an innocent enough question, but if I’ve left the house in my pajamas on a weeknight and and I end up at a Taco Bell at 1:00am, I’ve probably seen better days.

Normally you’d just throw down a quick “I’m good.” or “Doin’ great!”

But at 1:00 A-M- your brain does weird things. A question that you would blow off as a social courtesy at 1:00 P-M, when the rest of civilization is sitting in their car waiting for a Chalupa Supreme, becomes much more serious at 1:00 A-M-.

So I hear the question: “How are you tonight?”

Start Sad Ryan

I… I think I’m sad, Darian. I mean… I hadn’t really thought about it much before now… but I’m about to order 1800 calories worth of Grade D Seasoned ground beef and shame.

And then I’m going to take that disgusting bag of actual dog food and eat it alone in my car while I listen to the saxophone solo from Careless Whisper on repeat.

I’ll probably wear leather gloves while I eat my Mexican Pizza so I don’t leave prints.

And then I’m going to sling my fourthmeal remnants into the church dumpster near my house like I’m disposing a murder weapon so that my family doesn’t know about the scandal I’ve just participated in.

So yeah, Darian, I’d say I’m not doing too great.

“Sorry for the wait. Are you ready to order?”

Yeah I’ll have a Mexican Pizza, a Crunch Wrap Supreme, 3 soft tacos, Nacho Fries, and a large Mountain Dew. Oh, and give me a few orders of those Cinnamon Twisties. My kids love those. WINK