Fun fact: the First Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise opened in Utah in 1952.
Not-so-fun fact: Colonel Sanders’ first name is apparently Harland which is the 2nd most Southern name.
The first most Southern name is Bocephus.
The most Southern name hierarchy as we know it is officially:
The most popular name for girls living East of the Mason-Dixon in 2019 is Dolly but it’s not even in the top 10 most Southern names.
None of this is important.
What is important is that Harland, excuse me, the Colonel, has created something for the holiday season that’s sure to bring the spirit of giving into your home assuming you have two things:
- A fire place
- A hankerin’ for some franchise chicken aromas
The KFC Firelog available exclusively at Wal-Mart (which seems like a gag but is 1000% true) promises to bring the savory scents of those 11 herbs and spices directly to your face holes. Light up that log and you’re instantly transported to flavor town.
And I know that some of you are asking, how is this real? Is this real?
And honestly, it’s brilliant. No one knows their target market better than the Kentucky Fried Chicken corporation.
I’ve done some independent market research that shows that the KFC Firelog is the perfect gift for literally every single person in your life that owns a fireplace.
I was somewhat surprised myself, but it turns out every single person who owns a fireplace loves them some world-famous fried chicken smells too. There are zero exceptions.
At $18.99 for up to 3 hours of burn time, you’re probably gonna want to gift a six-pack to the people you care about most. I frankly can’t believe that these are only sold individually. Definitely a miss from the KFC team.
And KFC, if you’re looking for more ways to introduce chicken fumes into the atmosphere, let me pitch you a few quick ideas:
- KFC Air Freshener - Two spritzes in every room and your dog will never run away again.
- KFC Scented Candles - Please be careful with this one. You could decimate the entire candle industry with one creation. Some obvious monopolistic risks here.
- KFC Fabric Refresher - Tired of your clothes smelling like summer rain? Bring a new SEASONing to your wardrobe.
- KFC Perfume and/or Cologne - does poultry excite your partner? Buy Eau de Kentuck.
What are you waiting for? The holiday season is upon us and the time to order is now. Give the perfect gift to the cousin who went muddin’ that one time and blew a head gasket so ended up huntin’ squirrel to kill the time until Pa could show up with his wench but then accidentally shot an armadilla which everyone knows is bad luck which hell we didn’t need anymore of that on account we were already buried in mud n’ shit but then not too much later Ma showed up with a bucket of the Colonel’s goodie goods and ya know it all ended up alright.
Author note: I wrote this at 3 am because my kids either hate sleep or hate me, or both.